MEMORIES

He knew something had gone wrong before he’d ever even reached the big oak doors that led to the main area of the sectioned-off wing. The smell alone brought back painful memories of his hometown burning, a stench of cooked flesh and ash he knew he could never forget. The area around the doors was singed and the bodies of several troopers lay mangled on the tiled floor. He thought he recognized a few of the men as new recruits he and Zack had helped train, but they were too disfigured by fire and steel to be certain. The doors themselves lay crooked and ajar and he almost turned back, uncertain what he would find within.

He heard a strangled scream and forced himself to approach, pulling his sword free from its scabbard on his back and stepping through. Inside, the smoke made it hard to see much of anything.

He took a few cautious steps, his entire body tense and alert. He knew he should wait for Zack, but there was no time now; he had to act quickly to avoid any more bloodshed. This had been his idea from the very beginning; it was his responsibility. His fault.

In the murk ahead of him, he thought he saw movement and he advanced, dreading the worst. There was another cry, softer, weaker, then a laugh, a voice he recognized with his entire body, a voice that made his heart leap into his throat and dance.

A voice that made his nerves sing and twitch in fear, in hatred, in something so much stronger and worse than both.

He felt himself pulled closer and as he walked the smoke parted, and he saw the tall dark form of Sephiroth, standing over Zack’s kneeling body. As he approached, both men turned towards him and he saw that Zack held his left hand to his midsection, where a gaping wound had turned his shirt a dark black color, seeping blood into the blue fabric slowly. Zack’s eyes were unfocused, exhausted and shocked to see him there.

The gaze the green-eyed man shot his way was altogether different and Cloud had to force himself not to step back. He took a shaky breath and managed to meet those eyes with what he hoped was determination, unwilling to show fear now, at the end of everything.

The black clad man returned his attention to Zack, who looked up just in time to receive a cruel, back-handed blow that sent him skidding across the blood slicked floor. He came to a rest a few feet from Cloud, eyes closing slowly. From up close, the blond could see that Zack’s wound was horrific, gaping and angry. If he survived this night, if any of them did, it would be a long and painful journey to recovery, even with the aid of materia.

Cloud kept that hope firmly in his mind as he took a step over his friend’s prone form and advanced on Sephiroth. The hatred and fear came up, and hid his soul from that other thing that lurked in him, and threatened to break him every time he met the man. He embraced both terror and anger, blanketing himself in his memories, far from that other part of him that he could not – would not – face.

As he approached Sephiroth, the walls of the science wing slowly dissipated around them, smoke and blood melting away into rapidly encroaching green. Fading steel and wood gave way to the now familiar industrial venting of ShinRa’s ancient technology. The floor disappeared entirely, replaced with metal grating and walkways which allowed the sickly green light to seep up from under their booted feet. As he turned, panicked, he saw his friend’s body slowly fade as well and disappear with the rest of the room. Zack… Please be safe.

Yet, as the Mako reactor materialized around him, Cloud knew this was another dream, and part of him was relieved, elated even, that this wasn’t real. There would be nothing worse than this end for his project, no more terrifying prospect than the thought that he would’ve been responsible for a repeat incident.

“Tell me, Cloud, why did you come here?”

A shock, and shiver, as the silver-haired man’s voice rung out in the empty room. Cloud shook his head slowly, the point of his sword now resting against the metal grating of the walkway. “You’ve been killing people. I came to stop you.” Of course, to stop you. Never, ever, anything more than that.

A barely heard laugh from the older man, an expulsion of breath which could’ve been a sigh. Sephiroth’s massive sword hung from his lightly closed fist, still slick with blood and seemingly forgotten. “You’re a fool, Cloud. You know as well as I do that you couldn’t possibly stop me…”

The blond shook his head again, keeping a firm grip on his own sword. He grit his teeth and tore his eyes from Sephiroth’s as the older man walked towards him. The floor, little more than a walkway, clean of Zack’s blood; the silver-haired man’s sword, resting there so casually. The mako glow that shimmered through the grating; anything was a safer sight than those equally glowing green eyes, mocking him.

Cloud jumped as a gloved hand came up against his face, almost gently. Fingers tightened on his jaw, just enough to hurt, and his face was forced back up, meeting the full force of Sephiroth’s eyes just inches from his own. He knows you’re weak; knows you won’t do anything to prevent this. You could have stopped it from going this far, you do have a sword.

As he watched, the green glow surrounding them changed, warmed, and was replaced by the flickering light of flames. The blond could barely discern the fading walls of the reactor chamber around them as, again, reality shifted.

Nibelheim around him, with its light, and its stench, and the unmistakable guilt of knowing that, even then, he could’ve done something to prevent the slaughter.

And Sephiroth’s presence, so close it was awe-inspiring and terrifying, the contours of the man’s face softened by the light of Cloud’s hometown being destroyed. Somehow, the anger faded, choked in the smoke and ash of his memories and Cloud struggled to hold on to it. He felt it slip past his grasp, just as Sephiroth’s smile became cruel.

And Cloud knew he’d just lost. In that second of weakness, Sephiroth stepped in, reaching back with his sword arm to swing the massive blade and slide it firmly into Cloud’s left shoulder. The blade nicked and scraped against his shoulder blade and pierced through the skin and muscle of his back as the man forced it in to the hilt.

The scream choked in Cloud’s throat. His sword clattered to the floor, slipping from his fingers even before he’d felt the blade’s tip pierce his shoulder.

A sharp twist of the man’s wrist sent the blond to his knees, again. As the fires of Nibelheim burned around him, he heard Sephiroth laugh softly, and, with a last desperate hope, he pushed up and tried to force the bigger man back, tried to wrench the blade out of his shoulder as he’d done all those years ago.

Only this time Sephiroth didn’t back away, and there was certainly no surprise in the man’s glowing green eyes as he followed Cloud up. No hint of anger nor curiousity, nothing to mark the man as human; just a dangerous, vicious flame of violence and lust burning there, in the green.

As Nibelheim faded around them both and Cloud’s vision slowly seeped into darkness, Sephiroth leaned down to the blond’s ear.

“Don’t you know by now that nothing you can do will ever surprise me, my little Cloud?”

What was left of his anger dwindled and faded, and the fear was by now so great that he felt like it had swallowed him up. Arising from the depths of him, he felt it surface and cradle him as he fought. Oh gods, no, no, no, NO!…

Despair, guilt, hope, lust. Love.

He drowned.

* * *

He woke up in one smooth step, going from nightmare straight into reality with a start and a choked off scream. He was resting against the side of the board table in the science wing office he and Zack had found earlier, and there was a painful stitch in his shoulder that told him he’d been lying there a while.

He sighed, a huge and relief-filled breath, that it had all been just another nightmare. ‘Just a nightmare’ is not the right way to word this. Face it, you’re exhausted. Any more of these dreams… And he’d be walking on automatic – if he could walk at all – and not much use if anything did happen when they finally got around to waking Sephiroth.

He stood up, feeling the twitch and strain in his shoulder slowly dissipate as he moved. Behind him, the open burgundy curtains let in a reasonable amount of light, and the sky over the science wing was a dull orange glow, slowly fading. He’d been asleep a while, although that wasn’t very surprising now. He hadn’t gotten a real night’s sleep in what felt like weeks.

He stretched and checked his PHS’s digital clock; hopefully he hadn’t missed his scheduled meeting with Reeve.

“We’re not late, Cloud.”

The blond suppressed a nervous shudder as he heard the door to the office click and open. He turned, and saw Reeve stepping in briskly, all business. Behind the older man’s smartly dressed form, Cloud saw Nanaki enter more slowly. The big cat sat on his haunches and gave him a startlingly aware and perceptive look.

He shrugged, grinned a little and walked forward to ruffle Nanaki’s mane playfully. He knew the other hated it, but it had been a while since they’d seen each other, and after his rude awakening, he felt entitled to a bit of fun.

“Don’t.”

“Glad to see you too, Red.”

There was a pause, as Reeve settled himself into a chair and Nanaki’s gaze swept over Cloud thoughtfully.

“You look… tired.”

Behind the fighter, the big cat saw Reeve nod. They both knew Cloud was running along a thin line between the man they knew and a total wreck, although Zack had refused to tell them why he had trouble sleeping. The almost imperceptible, nervous jump as they’d entered had confirmed for Reeve that Cloud was a lot worse off than Zack had let on.

“I’m fine. I’ve just been running around trying to be everywhere at once.”

“Right.”

“Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I usually am.” Reeve pushed a folder across the table towards Cloud, who stepped in to intercept. “That’s today’s log so far. Diane tells me she’s fast running out of options. If we don’t wake him up soon, we could end up causing permanent brain damage, or worse, risk losing him entirely.”

The blond opened up the folder and scanned its contents briefly. A long list of medication logs stared back at him; drug names, time they had been administered, dosage, and effect on the subject. Cloud couldn’t make heads or tails of it, and he knew Sephiroth’s physiology was far from normal, but he trusted Dr. Hollcomb’s instinct.

He took a deep breath, closed the folder and dropped it back on the table, then nodded at Reeve. They both saw him steel himself before adding:

“Right. Tell your people to get ready. As soon as I get back down, we can start.”

Reeve nodded. “Of course. The crew is already more than prepared.”

Cloud closed his eyes, raked a shaking hand through his hair. “I just have to talk to the guys, first.”

“We’ll go with you.”

* * *

As it was, they were all stopped by Zack in the hall leading out of the science wing. With a grin and a nod, the black-haired fighter dropped a hand on Cloud’s shoulder and sent Reeve and Nanaki on ahead to round up the usual suspects with a promise to be ‘up there ASAP, Reeve.’

As the two rounded a corner, Zack turned to his friend. Cloud looked like hell, and he was damned if he was going to let him walk into a room full of potential hostiles feeling like the smallest thing in the world. He sighed and tried to grin at his friend hopefully.

“Come on, Cloud, fess up. What happened in there?”

Silence on the other’s end.

“Did Reeve say something off? I know Red’s been on your side from the beginning, so it can’t be anything he did.” He stopped to collect his thoughts, unsure. “Man, I know this is hard but you can’t just–”

“I had another dream… I… think you died.”

“Shit, Spike.”

The younger man shrugged, tried to dismiss his concern. “I don’t know, Zack. I think it’s just nerves. I’m fine.”

“Are you kidding? You’re not fine, Spike, you look totally exhausted!”

Cloud bared his teeth, and an inkling of the fighter the young blond still was showed through. “I can do this, Zack.” Bristling, pride hurt, the blond looked up at his friend. “I promised myself I’d do this.”

Zack smiled, a bit sadly. He’d known nothing would’ve made him back down. “So, we going up there, or what?”

* * *

“For crying out loud, Reeve, where the hell have you been? We’ve been calling you for over an hour!”

“Reeve! Finally!”

They were all there, in the conference room, and with the inclusion of Nanaki and Zack and Cloud on their way, it would be the first time the new president of Neo-ShinRa would see them all together like this.

In any other situation, Reeve might have found this quite moving. As it was, there was no time to appreciate their little reunion. All business and no play, as usual.

Reeve smiled at Tifa and Yuffie and motioned for them to sit back down. “I know you must have a lot of questions, but–”

“Questions? You’re kidding, right?” Yuffie said, her voice shaky. “I damn well threw up, Reeve! In Cid’s trash basket! That damn disk is… is… It’s awful!”

“You’re always throwing up, Yuffie.”

“That’s not the point!”

Reeve managed a smile, and noticed that Vincent, who was skulking in the darkest corner of the room, was also apparently struggling with a wry grin. Barrett and Cid were uncharacteristically silent and Tifa seemed to waiting, probably for Cloud to arrive and give her the answers she sought. Nanaki sat near the table, a silent and calming presence.

“Look, I know it was harsh not to warn you, but Cloud believed this was the best way to get his message across. What Hojo did to… to the boy… was entirely inhumane, and Cloud thinks… Cloud feels that… Damn.” Reeve rubbed the bridge of his nose. He wasn’t the best person to be doing this.

It was the big cat who came to his rescue. “Cloud feels that what Sephiroth has been through entitles him to a second chance.”

All eyes turning to Nanaki, Reeve took the opportunity to silently thank him.

Tifa was the first to bristle slightly, memories of what had been done to her family surfacing. “Second chance at what?”

“Second chance at life, Tif.”

In the doorway now was the familiar sight of Cloud and Zack, standing together, uncertain of their welcome.

* * *

Seeing them all together – as they’d been when they were chasing Jenova back and forth across the world – was a comfort to Cloud, who stepped in slowly around Zack to stand next to Reeve. As he entered, the blond saw Tifa’s face grow cold. It was Zack who had spoken in the doorway, but Cloud she turned her eyes to.

“And the people in Nibelheim, Cloud, did they get that second chance? What about Aerith, and everyone caught in Midgar when meteor fell? All those people who were killed or maimed by the Geostigma?” She paused, waited for her words to sink in, shook her head sadly. “What about my–”

There was no need to for her to finish; Cloud knew they had both lost a parent in the Nibelheim incident, resented himself for putting her through this.

“Don’t… bring them into this.” And yet through it all, he was a little angry that she would dismiss his own memories so easily. While he and his mother hadn’t exactly ever seen eye to eye, finding her body in his own home had been a nightmare. And the thought of the flower girl was still a very lightly healed wound, despite his firm belief that she was alright somewhere, in the Lifestream. This entire project had taken its toll on him.

Still, he had made this choice himself. He was forcing Tifa now to follow along with his own way of atoning.

“I’m sorry, Tifa, I know this has been hard on you,” he turned his gaze to the rest of his old team, sitting around the table. “On all of you. So that’s why I’m here now. I promised I would explain, and I tried to do that as best I could; Zack gave you Hojo’s old research files. I don’t know how to be any clearer than that.

“You all know of the time I spent in Hojo’s hands, after Nibelheim. I’ve hid it from you before.” Cloud sighed, looked down at his hands for a few seconds. When he looked up again, his eyes were harder. “I’ll never deny what I’ve been through again. Because trying to forget almost made me lose myself.

“And that’s why I need to do this. If you have any questions, this is it. When we go back down to the science wing, we’ll be waking him up.”